ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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