I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
