the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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