i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
