She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
