i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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