My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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