Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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