Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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