And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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