I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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