I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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