The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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