how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
