He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
