I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
