I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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