You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize