he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
