Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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