My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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