You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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