just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
