my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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