you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
