haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
