i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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