there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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