I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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