I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
