theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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