Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Randomize
