i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
