Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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