The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
