I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
