Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
