If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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