he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
