Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
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