I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
