im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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