I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
