she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
