the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
