yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
