So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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