she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
