Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
