WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
