The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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