theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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