i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
