he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
