porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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