Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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