I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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