That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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