Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
