I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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