i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
