Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Who died my cat blue again?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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